Most romantic relationships eventually come to an end – except for the one with the person with whom we spend our lives. In every breakup, there are always two sides.

Everybody knows that it’s a devastating experience to be ditched by someone you really love, be it a breakup or a divorce. We all have gone through this at least one time in our life. But the fact is, it’s also very difficult to be the one who actually leaves and that is something only you will know if you have experienced it.

Relationships come to an end for numerous reasons but what they all have in common is that, one member of the relationship is dissatisfied and wants to pull back. Maybe you have tried for some time to adjust to the relationship but when that fails, you have to prepare to quit emotionally long before the actual breakup. But before you go down that way, you might want to ask yourself the following questions.

* Does the relationship allow you to evolve according to your wishes?

* Does the relationship fulfil your needs?

* Is it possible to have goals together and achieve them?

* Does he accept you as you are?

* Can you resolve conflicts together?

* Do you feel good in your relationship?

* Is the communication with him good?

If your answers to these questions are majority “no”, then it is probably time to move on.

Once you have decided to initiate the breakup, the first thing you have to realise is that there isn’t a painless way to do it. It simply doesn’t exist. No magical words can take the pain away. It will hurt him and it may also hurt you. There is nothing you can do about that. You can only avoid some common mistakes and make it a little easier for him.

It is advisable to maintain some distance to your partner before you actually break up. This has many advantages. For one, you will gain some emotional distance, which is important to you to be able to go through the whole process. Meanwhile, your partner will sense that something is about to happen and will hopefully emotionally prepare himself. Just cut off contact for a week before. Do not give too much information, just say you’re busy.

The next step is to be sure about your decision. I know, that’s a tough one, especially when you love the person in question or are very close to him. Chances are if you have been thinking about breaking up for a long time, you must have concluded that you don’t fit together, have different expectations about life or are unable to resolve or get to the bottom of your conflicts. Maybe you have simply realised that you do not love him anymore. Either way, try to be sure that there is no chance of getting things right again.

I say “try” because I know that these things are not always easy to follow through. However, you can be relatively positive of your decision if you have tried for several times to work on your relationship by talking about your problems with him.

To help you with making the decision I suggest that you make a list of all the reasons why you want to break up and write a possible solution beside it. Then go through your list and reflect if you have done everything possible to solve the problems you’ve had.

By knowing the reasons for the upcoming breakup, you will on one hand be prepared for questions he might ask, on the other hand they will help you to cope with the breakup yourself.

Always talk to him in person. Never use email, SMS or a letter. I know this is tempting because it’s much easier for you, but it would also be another type of betrayal. You owe it to him to look him in the eyes when you break up with him. It’s a question of ethics and moral – an unwritten law. It will also be easier for him to face the breakup when you tell him personally. Never walk away from this painful burden. Be fair.

You have to be well-prepared – you have to know what to say in advance. You must reckon that he will be shocked. Even if the writing has been on the wall for a while it will still come out of the blue for him. The “no contact” period can soften this.

There can be various reactions. Depending on his personality, there can be denial, crying, begging, aggressiveness and even abuse. Try to stay calm whatever happens. Never let this end in a fight. Most importantly, don’t act surprised or be taken aback if your ex gets emotional. It is only natural to feel hurt.

You should react in the following manner instead.

* Be understanding, no matter how he reacts

* Say that you are sorry that things have not worked out

* Be prepared for questions – look at your list of reasons before you meet

* Try to avoid intimate body contact

* Be confident. If you have not been dominant in your relationship, be it now

* Never be cold

At the same time, don’t be afraid to show some emotions yourself. Cry if you have to. After all, this is someone that you have spent a significant amount of time and energy caring for. Just because you’re doing the breaking up doesn’t mean that there is no pain for you.

Once you’ve made your decision, stick to it whenever you talk to him. Never give any hope. The clearer you are the better and easier it is for him in the long run. Always keep in mind: there is no painless way. This may sound cold-hearted, but it isn’t. The earlier he accepts that it is over, the earlier he can start the healing and separation process. Thus, NEVER say:

* “maybe sometimes we could get together again”

* “A part of me still loves you”

* “I never loved anybody as I loved you”

* “okay, give me some time to think it over”

* “we can still be friends”

Even if it is true, you must not say it loud. It doesn’t help. I know it is tempting to want to say it, especially if there are still feelings from your side. You will feel the urge to ease the pain by saying something he wants to hear, but this is wrong for two reasons.

You are giving him false hope and delaying the healing process, and you are getting off your course. There is simply no way the end it without pain. If you are harsh then you appear heartless, if you are not firm then he thinks that there is still hope. This is a very narrow path. Find a healthy way in the middle and stay the person you are.

When you break up with someone, that person often remains in a state of shock for several days. Often he cannot remember what was said during the breakup, let alone understand the causes or your reasons that led to it. In this case, he will seek for a closure.

By closure, I mean a resolving conversation about the reasons for the breakup and an opportunity to say goodbye. After a few days, offer a conversation where you can discuss your reasons for the breakup and why you think that your relationship has been going nowhere. Often he will ask for it for himself.

You will encounter a lot of resistance and arguments but remember, the goal is not to make him understand, he will not, no matter what you say. Understanding will not come before a period of time. Your goal is to give the feeling of an ending and a goodbye. Try to emphasise the feeling of goodbye, by wishing all your best for his life and deliberately leading to a parting. This will not be easy for you because the person is still close to your heart. Remember, stay strong. This is important.

The “no contact rule” is one of the most important premises for healing from a breakup. But sometimes the urge to call or meet is so strong that many can’t resist. Do not go to places where you might meet. If he were to call or text you, keep the response short and non-personal. Never call, email or SMS first, not even to ask how he is feeling.

Most of the time, the one who breaks up has to realise as well that it is definitely over. And by following the “no contact rule” you are helping yourself and your ex.

I know that the whole process will be very difficult, but please keep in mind that a broken relationship is a deadlock. Not only that it’s stopping you from living a fulfilling love life, but it can also harm your self-esteem and confidence. Not to speak about your happiness.

Once you have made the decision, act upon it. After you have accomplished this arduous task, you are one step closer to true happiness. Good luck.